*Madrid, Spain

Scenario - You are a middle-aged woman from Uruguay. You hear through the shady grapevine that you can score some extra cash if you can make about 10 pounds of cocaine, go Spain.

How to fool Civil Guards by an amateur Drug Trafficker:

1. Convince a near century-old lady to join you on a trip to the land of España

2. Discretely strap the packets of coke to her frail legs and torso

3. Insist that your 'grandmother' be given a wheelchair at the airport

4. Smile as you bypass security checks

Arriba, Señora, arriba! 

Unfortunately, you kind of blew your cover with Customs control when you ran away without Nana. Sorry :/

Farmington, Maine

Scenario - You are a 65 year-old woman who really loves animals. In fact, you love them so much you hoard them in your home despite local and state laws. You have developed quite a reputation since a court order was placed on you several years ago when 70 random animals were found grazing, chirping, barking, scratching, slithering, pooping, shedding, meowing, hibernating, mating, stomping, and grooming - all in your living room.

How to defend your animal kingdom by the Original Cat Lady:

1. Ignore your court order

2. Rebuild your mighty animal collection

3. Buy a stun gun

4. Use said weapon on any State Trooper that comes to visit

Another 40 domestic and farm animals including alpacas?! I'll be honest, I had to look those up!

Unfortunately, while pets can and often do make enjoyable companions, there really is such a thing as too much of a good thing . Sorry :/

Boyceville, Wisconsin

Scenario - You are a farmer. One day while harvesting corn you accidentally hit an animal with your combine. It was a 700 pound bear. Turns out it was shot while out of season months ago.

How to mount a 'trophy' bear by Neil Schlough:

1. Buy a $75 tag from the State Department

2. Take poor Yogi to the taxidermist

3. Sue the State Department when they seize it as evidence

Neil, you are master of your domain. Go get that bear you earned!

Unfortunately, the confession by that West Fargo hunter really blew your chances of impressing anyone when you tell the story of how you managed to conquer this formidable beast. Sorry :/

Kansas City, Missouri

Scenario - You are at the local convenience store heading back to your car. A man flags you down and tells you that your ex-boyfriend still loves you. You don't love him back, you reply. You then hear gunshots.

How to stop a speeding bullet by someone's ex-girlfriend:
1. Catch it in your hair weave

Wow. Besides the slight headache, there's no injuries to report!
Unfortunately, despite your hair having the apparent strength of military grade Kelvar, I doubt you can grow it out and cut any deals with DOD - personal hygiene concerns and all. Sorry :/

Smyrna, Delaware

Scenario - You are volunteering at a senior center on bingo night. It's about 9:30 PM. Two men walk in and steal $1200 in cash. They destroy the phone so no one can report the burglary. One of the men then proceeds to punch a 75-year old lady in the head for trying to stop them.

How to earn your 'Help an Old Lady Badge' by Newark man:
1. Engage in a verbal confrontation with theifs
2. Chase them out of the senior center
3. Continue to chase despite being threatened by a large stick
4. Recover $715 that's been dropped in the process

Man from Newark, you've taken 'Good Samaritan' to a whole new level! Unfortunately, you probably should have stepped in just a little sooner. You would have a much better story had you taken the punch to the head instead. Sorry :/

Salt Lake City, Utah

Scenario - You are a technician at the Brickyard Animal Hospital. A man breaks into your co-worker's car. He sees you and runs away frantically.

How to give a grown man a wedgie by Yvonne Morris:

1. Catch him

2. Grab boxer shorts from behind

3. Pull up with authority

Beautifully executed, Yvonne! Fundamentals are key.

Unfortunately, I'm not exactly sure what kind of message this is sending to grade school bullies. You are certainly a role model in your own right but don't plan on making the cover of a Wheaties box anytime soon. Sorry :/

Stamford, Connecticut

Scenario - You are well known around town. You are toliet trained. You are able to dress and bathe yourself. You eat at the table and drink wine from a stemmed glass. You escaped from your owners only to be lured back by macadamia nuts.

How to 'go ape' by Chimpanzee Travis:
1. Wait until you're at least 15 years old
2. Do 'people things' to gain trust
3. Pretend to be lured by macadamia nuts
4. Attack a random visitor for no reason
5. Repeat step 4 indefinitely

Chimpanzee Travis, you are crazy!
Unfortunately, the insanity defense does not work for monkeys. Sorry :/

Bellevue, Washington

Scenario - 2 men break into your house while you're in the basement. Your flat screen television, laptop computer, and jewelry box are all upstairs and up for grabs!

How to avoid burglary by Patrick Rosario:

1. Sneak out of your house

2. Call 911

3. Find the 'getaway vehicle'

4. Steal it

5. Enjoy the irony

Here's a toast to you, Mr. Rosario! I'm sure impressed. 

Unfortunately, now all of your buddies from high school know and will likely razz you about owning a jewelry box in the first place. Sorry :/